Naruto Pokemon: Collision Course
by Oh-Tee-Ell
Summary: What if?
1. Stop Pokeing Around

Ahead of time, I want to clarify something. Now some of you people out there might be wondering why I started a new story for this little jaunt. Well, here is how it is. This story is completely separate from the main story, and though there are a few minor references between the two, they each stand alone. I just thought some people might find it vaguely interesting for all of my stories to be interconnected. Now that that matter is cleared up, and hopefully now that I have assured everyone that there is no reason for me to be in trouble, let's start the story.

"**Naruto-Pokemon: Collision Course"**

Chapter 1

**Stop Pok'eing Around**

-WITH SASUKE, PALLET TOWN...-

"Wake up! You're late! You need to start your Pokemon journey!" exclaimed "Mom" from the original game.

"Who the –beep- are you?" Sasuke asked groggily.

"Get out before I wash your mouth out with soap! I'm your mother and I have the authority to do it!"

"…Mom? My mom is alive? This is wonderful! Clean my mouth out! I wanna stay here-" Sasuke's first happy moment in a very long time was interrupting by his "mom" shoving him out the door. He grumbled and occasionally cursed, completely ignoring where he was walking: another world… and tall grass.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

"Get on with it, old man."

"-iiit! You're in tall grass and have no protection. Come to my lab!" exclaimed Professor Oak.

"Wait0I played a video game like this once…"

"It was for the publicity! I swear! I told Birch not to do it, but did he listen? NO…"

"Shove it. How do I get back to my home?"

"…Oh. You got sent here from… Ko-no-ho, right?"

"Konoha."

"That's what I said."

"No. You said Konoho."

"Exactly!"

"It's KONOHA!"

"Oh. Bad hearing… Anyways, you have to stay here for one month. Now come to my lab and pick a starter Pokemon."

"…Whatever." Sasuke mumbled.

"Wobufett's not a starter Pokemon!"

-LAB…-

"The yellow one," Sasuke stated, pointing to Pikachu.

"Are you sure?" asked Oak.

"Yes."

"Pez?"

"YES!"

"Why'd you say yes? I don't have any of that in the candy jar…"

"-Beep- it. –Beep- you. –Beeeeeeeeeeeep-."

-HOENN SAFARI ZONE, 6:00 P.M.…-

"…Where am I?" Neji asked rhetorically. How pointless.

"BACAW!" squealed a nearby Pokemon.

"Wha…"

"BA-CAW."

"What the –beep-! A three-headed chicken!"

Neji ran behind the Dodrio and prepared to attack. The Dodrio saw him and quickly repeated his movement. Neji was worried; this creature was equal in power to him. When he was about to get hit, the heads started pecking the crap out of _each other_. Neji, thinking quickly, threw a Safari Ball at the Dodrio, hoping to scare it away. But since it was a Safari Ball, and Dodrio was a Pokemon, it got caught.

Neji was surprised for a moment, but then remembered hearing that this was the Pokemon world that he was sent to... A nearby Pokedex started putting out information on Dodrio. "Dodrio. A seriously –beep-ed-up Pokemon. Its heads fight with each other. It all started when-bla bla bla-never gotten over it."

-MEANWHILE…-

Ash, like Naruto when searching for his food voucher, was in his underwear, shaking his pants out to find his Pokedex.

"Never get a guy with his eyes always closed as a guide… I'll never find my Pokedex!" complained Ash.

-BACK WITH NEJI…-

As he was attaching his ball to his pants (shut up), he saw a figure poof up. What was it? A monster? A killer? …I don't know. Let me think about it. In the meantime,

PKO: SAKU! (It's time for a subplot!)

Introducing… an all-new game… LEGEND OF ZELDA: PIMP CANE! An all-new game featuring Link as a gangsta. Dolegarn has taken Link's pimp cane and his main ho, Zelda. In this all new game, you must find the golden crack pipe, the key to Dolegarn's shack. Then, in this all-new game, you must match pimp cane with pimp cane in this all-new game! Get this all-new game! It's all new!

PKO: SAKU! (It's no longer time for a subplot… :(…)

"…Tenten?" Neji asked. "How'd you get here?"

"Well, we ended up here in order to help you. Sakura and Ino are here as well," she responded. "It _will_ be Boy's Day tomorrow."

"That's not a Japanese holiday!"

"…Does it _look_ like we are in Japan?"

"…Point taken…"

Neji's ball busted open (I said SHUT UP) and the Dodrio appeared. As usual, the heads were fighting.

"Hush or I'll put you back in your Pokeball!" Neji threatened. The bird stood there for a second, and then the heads started fighting again.

"I hope our kids don't turn out like that…" muttered Tenten.

"… … ...Hey!"

-NEAR PETALBURG…-

"Yes! With this Old Rod I'll catch lots of fi-" Naruto was interrupted by a small, weak tug on his Old Rod. He swung the old string onto shored and saw that he had caught a Magikarp.

"YES! The old Uzumaki luck!"

-ONE HOUR LATER…-

Fifty Magikarp were flapping on shore, splashing their useless all over, and Naruto didn't know what to do with them. His brightest idea so far was to stuff the fish down his pants, but he ran out of space. And it was kind of… weird-feeling. Right when Naruto was about to give up on them, Ash walked up.

"What's with all those fish?" asked Ash. "You know Magikarp are useless."

"…We-we'll see! Let's fight!" Naruto responded.

He threw down his Old Rod, which promptly turned to dust, and sent out his first Magikarp. Ash sent out Pikachu and prepared for a fight… which he did not get. Pikachu sent a bolt 1/1,000 millimeters thick at the first Magikarp, causing a strange surge that killed them all. They didn't faint. They DIED.

'Maybe you should come with me on my journey! I'm hungry, after all…" said Ash.

"Awright… But why does that dude have his eyes closed?" asked Naruto.

-OUTSIDE THE HOENN DESERT…-

"HEY GAARA-SAMA-CHAN-DEAR!" Sakura greeted Gaara.

Gaara came out with at least one hundred Sandslashes _and_… a Regirock.

"-Beep- off," he responded.

"Awww… those little black-eyed critters are so _cute_! Not too fond of Braille-head though…"

"They're Pokemon… and don't insult Regirock. Kill her, Regirock. She called you Braille-head." Even though the huge rock Pokemon somehow understood Gaara, its good nature wouldn't allow such cruelty. –Beep-ing good will… Come, Latios, let us go to Littleroot so I can get a Pokedex, allowing me to not have to rely on my knowledge… and get some Pokeballs…" Not to say anything about Gaara's physiology, just… er, never mind.

Latios poofed in (it was going for Teleport, but you win some and you lost some) and Gaara hopped on.

"Can I come?"

"No."

Unfortunately, Latias decided otherwise. It flew up and she hopped on.

Gaara then continued, "-Beep-ing good will-"

-MEANWHILE…-

The huge Goodwill skyscraper was filled with angry people.

"CURSE YOU GAARA!" yelled the CEO.

-BACK… IN BLACK…-

"-I don't need this! Latias, you can go be Sakura's -beep-ing Pokemon!"

Latias didn't really give Gaara's curse a second thought and playfully nudged Sakura. They started flying through the clouds, Gaara causing all the clouds to start raining as he muttered about his hatred of playful nudging.

-TWO MINUTES LATER…-

Latios and Latias landed at Littleroot and…

-45 MINUTES LATER…-

The Sandslashes and Regirock finally popped out of the ground, seeing an intensely ticked-off Gaara.

"A present… you do love me! I get a girl dragon thingy and you get a boy!" Sakura jittered on, petting her "dragon thingy."

"SHUT UP!" yelled Gaara.

"HEY!" Professor Birch suddenly greeted.

"Fool… I command you to give me a Pokedex and 103 Pokeballs. Now."

"Whoa… asking a bit too much, aren't we?"

"You have a lot of balls saying that…"

Sand flew up behind Gaara, his favorite effect, after punning, his favorite pastime.

"…One second!"

"…One."

"Okay, about one hour!"

Gaara grabbed Birch by the collar, his left eye twitching. "Look. I will NOT spend another hour like the last 45 minutes! You do NOT want a red covering all over the front of your lab!"

"Well actually-"

Gaara shot a glare at him.

"Five minutes! I promise!" Birch finished, rushing off.

-FIVE MINUTES LATER…-

Birch came back with a huge, heaping bag full of Pokeballs and a high-tech Pokedex. Gaara stood and observed the bag for about fifteen seconds.

"You gave m 118 Pokeballs," observed Gaara.

"Then you have extras to catch more Pokemon!" Birch offered.

There were about two minutes of silence and then Gaara asked, "What?"

"Aren't you going to get angry at me? Threaten me?"

"No… you were rather thoughtful, actually…" More silence. "What? Do I have to commit acts of violence every chapter to satisfy!"

And so, for the heck of it, a huge wall of sand slammed into Birch. And the people were satisfied.

To be continued in Chapter 2,

"… … …

Sasuke Might Dislike This Program."


	2. Sasuke Might Dislike This Program

Chapter 2

… … …

**Sasuke Might Dislike This Program**

-ROUTE 1, 7:00 A.M.…-

"We've been working on this all night. I can't keep up my bed-head hairstyle like this! Now use Chidori. Not Thunderbolt. Not Thundershock. Not Thunder Punch! If I hear that Pokedex say anything with thunder in its name I will destroy it! Use Chidori!" yelled Sasuke to Pikachu.

Pikachu, who had a personality strangely like Sasuke's (how opportune), got poked by a Rattata. Pikachu somehow recalled all of what it had learned and started up Chidori. It ran up the rat and ripped it apart.

"What the –beep- was that!" asked the Pokedex.

-VIRIDIAN CITY…-

"Where am I?" Sasuke asked rhetorically. How pointless.

"Viridian City, stupid," stated the Pokedex. "Look at the sign. And the heading."

Don't start up with me!"

"Why? What are _you _going to do?"

'You're not in much of a position to –beep- with me, you piece of shi-hey! What the heck!"

Sasuke was interrupted by the bitter old man's (who blocks the way in the first game) granddaughter hugging him.

"Let go of me!" yelled Sasuke.

"Must I?" she asked.

"YES!"

"Fine…" She let go. "But you won't be going anywhere. Grandpa hasn't had his coffee and he's grumpy."

"…So?"

"He'll get in your way!"

"I'll kill him!"

"Nooo!"

"I have to go get some Pokeballs anyway. See that he's in a better mood… or else."

-POKEMART…-

"I'd like… hmmm… ten Pokeballs," Sasuke said to the clerk.

"That'll be P1000," responded the clerk.

"Um… I don't have any money."

"Any collateral?"

"I have some rat strips! I could bread them!"

"Deal." The clerk took the meat and threw it into a hole in the floor. "Here' your food for the day!"

A voice came from the hole saying, "Thank you sir!"

"Get back to work! …Here's your purchase! Thank you."

Sasuke looked at the clerk funny and walked off, ignoring the obvious child labor laws being broken.

-NORTH VIRIDIAN…-

"Don't –beep- with me, you old geezer," Sasuke stated.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your mouth, mister! Cursing is ba-"

"WHAT THE –BEEP-!" yelled Sasuke, interrupting the old man. He cursed because one of the Pokeballs had started jerking. He pressed the button and out came a pink blob with eyes.

"Ditto," said the Pokedex. "The Horny Copy Pokemon. This thing breeds with any types of Pokemon. It can only copy other Pokemon, making it a _major _annoyance. Wait-why am I telling you this?"

"Well that's… weird… Oh well…"

-VIRIDIAN FOREST…-

"I like bugs! And shorts!" said a little Bug Catcher.

Sasuke punched the boy in the face and muttered, "Moving on…"

-PEWTER CITY…-

"Gym? What's that! We'll see…" stated Sasuke.

-PEWTER CITY _GYM_…-

Sasuke was walking along when a Jr. Trainer challenged him. "Hey! You can't challenge the leader until you beat ME!" challenged the boy.

"-Beep- off, mother –beep-er," Sasuke put simply. "But if you _want _me to kick your –beep-, I will."

"Bring it!"

The boy threw out his Sandshrew and Sasuke was about to send out Pikachu when the Pokedex stopped him. "Wait, you idiot!" it exclaimed.

"Why?" asked Sasuke.

"Pikachu won't do any damage to Sandshrew!"

"I know _that_, but why are you working? I thought I turned you off!"

"Well, that's because…" A Gastly popped out of the Pokedex. It continued telepathically, "I'm a ghoooooost!"

Sasuke quickly centered and captured the Pokemon.

"Aaah… that's better! Do you know what it's like to have a ghost in your computer chip? I mean really…" the Pokedex jittered.

"No. I don't know what it's like. But I know what it's like to be antagonized by a stupid portable computer! Now SHUT UP!" exclaimed Sasuke. "Go, Gastly!"

Gastly, without order, possessed Sandshrew and made it run into one of the gym walls until it fainted. Gastly then floated back into its ball. Sasuke walked to the back of the gym to see Brock's dad.

"…Who are you?" asked Sasuke dryly.

"Well, I'm the current gym leader!" announced Brock's dad.

"That's not in the game."

"Brock's not here, you see."

"Then I'll beat you."

"…I don't have any Pokemon."

"Some gym leader you are…"

"I'll fight you personally, then!"

"…Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, little man…"-he chugged a whole bottle of brewsky at this-"…bring it _unnn_!"

IF it wasn't for the whole intoxication thing, he might have stood a chance. Wait-who am I kidding? Sasuke ran up to the guy and kicked him in the stomach, causing him to fall down. Sasuke them jumped in the air, flipped, and slammed his foot on Brock's dad's neck, demanding the badge. Brock's dad threw it up (with his _hand_, NOT with his mouth).

-PEWTER CITY MUSEUM…-

"Old amber. Now," stated Sasuke to a scientist.

"No can do, eh!" the scientist stated in a very Canadian accent.

"You could get it in the game!"

"Game-shmame! NO old amber for you, eh!"

OH yeah. BIG mistake. Sasuke turned on his Sharingan eyes and started Chidori. "Live-shmive!"

"I'll pay you!"

"…Pay me… what?"

"P50, eh!"

"…HOW MUCH!"

"…This!"

He threw Sasuke a Pokeball. Sasuke released the Pokemon and found a Magikarp. "HEY!"

The scientist started running off. Sasuke easily caught up to him and, heh, the museum has a red paint job now. And no, Sasuke didn't do community service. Well, what happened is sort of clear, so…

-MT. MOON…-

"I can't find my friends!" said a little boy.

"I'll tell you when I care," responded Sasuke.

-TWO MINUTES LATER…-

"Okay, you might as well run along because, frankly, I don't care," Sasuke said, shoving the child away.

-SKIPPING A BIT TO THE LONG HALL OF ROCKETS… NO, NOT ACTUAL ROCKETS, TEAM ROCKET MEMBERS…-

"We are good at scheming…" said a male Rocket.

"And now we're double-teaming!" said a female Rocket.

"Would you just SHUT UP!" asked Sasuke.

"Team Rocket's engines are rattling!"

"We'll take your Pokemon after battling!"

"I'm serious. Shut the –BEEP- up while you're still ahead.

"Go Gastly!"

"Go Grimer!"

"Hmph. Go, er, yellow thingy, and go, um… -beep-ed up thing!" Our came Pikachu and Ditto. "PINK! What _is_ this thing! I don't want a sissy wimp like that!"

"We'll take it then!" The male Team Rocket member started walking toward the blob when it slithered right pas him, wrapped around the Grimer, and mimicked Gaara's attack on the rain ninja in the Forest of Death. It covered the purple blob, rose into the air, and squeezed in on it, sending little drops of purple all over everywhere, including Sasuke's hair.

"This stuff feels like… my hair gel!" the raven-haired boy announced. –Cue ominous music-

"Yellow thing" was up next. It rushed at Gastly with Chidori/Thunderpunch. Then what only happened in Sasuke's nightmares happened, kind of making its label incorrect, really. Pikachu used "Chidori," but Gastly disappeared right before impact.

"What the –beep-!" Sasuke cursed.

"Ha! No physical attacks can hurt my Gast-"

Rocket Man™ was interrupted by an electrical fire in the spotlights they were using, caused by Pikachu's attack. The fire flew up, catching the flammable (obviously not really) poison in Gastly on fire, making quick work of it.

"Noooooo! My precious!" yelled the Rocket dude.

"Whine, whine, whine. '_Oh no, my Pokemon combusted due to an electrical fire_,'" mocked Sasuke. "You know, that really looked better on paper."

-TEN MINUTES LATER…-

Lying on the ground was Super Nerd™, glasses shattered. _Apparently_, he had a sharing problem and was a nerd, and Sasuke is kind of a bully. He picked up a Helix Fossil, accidentally broke it, picked up a Rattata, accidentally broke it, and finally picked up a Dome Fossil, not breaking it. And boy, did he try!

-CERULEAN CITY…-

Sasuke, not wasting time finding out who the heck he's sending his most vital possessions to, gave Bill a miss and headed right to the gym. What he saw sickened him. A red-haired girl was crying her eyes out-you think I'm joking, don'tcha? I'm not. Well, I kind of am, but what do you expect at this point?

Through her sobbing she continuously asked into the oblivion, "Why! Why can't I be with you! Accursed fate and-"

Misty had been interrupted by Sasuke who, wanting to get her attention, hand left, and had slid back in the gym with a very Kramer-like entrance saying, "Hey, I've gotta beat you, okay?"

"Maybe later… I don't need this right now! WHY ASH WHY!"

"_Come on!_"

"No…"

"COME ON!"

"NO!"

"What is the problem, even!"

"Well… well…"

-FLASHBACK-

"Sure, Misty! We're happy to take you over here to paint your gym!" said Ash. "Are you sure you don't need any help?"

"No, I will get some people to help. Just pick me up in a week!" she responded.

"Okay, I'll write a sticky note to remind you to contact us if we aren't here in a week," stated Brock. He pulled out a leaflet and started trying to write… and failed.

-10 MINUTES LATER…-

"There. That will work." Brock held up a note with writing on it that would boost a kindergartener's esteem. As the group looked at him, he started weeping at his failure and ran out of the gym.

"What's wrong with Bro-"

"Shut up, Max!"

"You're hurtful, Ash!"

The rest left eventually as well, and Misty realized that she had a headache. A bad one, too. She pulled open the medicine cabinet in the kitchen of the gym and started fishing around. Many bottles were unmarked, and she simply picked up one that looked like it had aspirin in it. Unfortunately, that was not what it was.

-END FLASHBACK-

Sasuke looked at the table nearby and frowned at the contents. "Gym leader person, this is Estroven, not aspirin. And by the poorly written note, it sounds like your friends should return right about"-the Pokemon group entered, Naruto in tow-"now."

There was a general group hug among the natives to Kanto, and Naruto wanted to do the same for the Naruto group. He rushed up to Sasuke and tried to hug him, resulting in a premature swim in the gym pool. Misty turned to Sasuke and said, "Well, thanks for clearing things up for me. Let's start this battle and make it quick, so I can head off."

"Fair enough."

"Well, first off, go Crawdaunt!"

"You might as well bring the butter! Go, Claw-Rock… Thing!"

Sasuke chucked out the fossil, but it accidentally fell into the water. Suddenly, where it fell, a strange light streamed out. Why? Because…

-FLASHBACK-

Smeargle walked into the gym and peed some weird paint into the water. Bum bum bum…

-END FLASHBACK-

The light eventually dissipated and out came a… KABUTO! It scuttled out of the water.

"How about three on three?" asked Misty.

"Fine. Kabuto! Use… um…" mumbled Sasuke.

"Scratch, dumb-beep-," chimed in the Pokedex.

"Shove it, electro-crap! But, um, SCRATCH!"

Crawdaunt took practically no damage.

"What the-"

"Scratch is a Normal attack! Normal is ineffective against my part Dark Crawdaunt!" announced Misty.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Sasuke started choking the Pokedex Homer-style, which was more like holding the apparatus and shaking it slightly. He then proceeded to throw his Pokedex into the water.

"Heh… Go, Crawdaunt! Use Hydro Pump!" And thus ends the tale of Sir Kabuto.

"-Beep-. Go, Pikachu! Chidori!" So Pikachu used Thunderpunch, and assured Sasuke that he would be havin' gumbo tonight.

"Darn it! Go Starmie!"

"Crappy to be on a TV:Y show, doesn't it? Anyways, kill it, Pikachu!" Our yellow friend (or enemy, depending on who you talk to) used THUNDERPUNCH, not Chidori, right on Starmie's jewel, only to see that Starmie _absorbed_ the blow. That is the word of today, children. "What. The. –BGEEP-!"

"Starmie can absorb electricity! Thunderbolt, Starmie!"

"Telepor-"

"It CaN't UsE tElEpOrT!" said the electrically misfiring Pokedex.

"Then run, Pikachu!"

Unfortunately, the Pokedex had stalled Sasuke too long and Pikachu took the full force of the shock.

"MwAhAhAhAhAhA!"

"Sonuva-beep-!"

"Get your third Pokemon out!" said Misty.

"Go, Gastly! Use Lick!"

Gastly wrapped its tongue all around Starmie, mummifying it, and then practically did the Lotus technique and sent pieces of the star's jewel around everywhere. Including Sasuke's eye.

"Sonuva-beep-!"

"Go, Kingdra!"

"Whatever. Finish it, Gastly! SHADOW BALL! NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!" Sasuke used Gastly like a bowling ball, rolling it toward Kingdra. As it neared the dragon seahorse, it sprouted spikes and hands, causing heavy damage on impact. As Sasuke called back his Pokemon, he noticed something: what he called back was… a Haunter! "Fork over the badge, red head."

So "red head" gave Sasuke the badge, and Naruto commented, "Nothing like a good battle among friends, eh?" He then proceeded to attempt to hug Sasuke again, which led to another swim in the pool.

PKO: SAKU!

-FAILED ENDINGS FOR "DAY AFTER TOMORROW"-

-Tornadoes destroy the building, killing all the stars

-That one dude dies. I hate that guy!

-The main character launches bottle rockets and the movie is titled "The Day After October"

-All the people who died come back, saying it was all a prank, and call it "The First Day of April"

-Do the above, but have that one dude die. I hate that guy

-The whole movie is pre-apocalypse and call it the prequel to "Left Behind"

-Do the above idea with that dude being raptured onto a cloud we don't have to look at. I hate that guy!

PKO: SAKU!

The group all headed off, leaving Sasuke. Locked in. But thanks to his pimpin' ninja skillz, he got out of dat mess.

-SKIPPING A WHILE, TO VERMILLION CITY…-

Sasuke, again not wasting time, walked right into the gym, and was ambushed by Surge and his band of possible homosexuals. Sasuke shoved them, all off of him with one hand and him and Pikachu (on his shoulder) flicked them off.

"What the –beep-, you freaks!" yelled Sasuke.

"Man! You're good! Uncle Samichifukawa wants you!" said Surge, not really answering Sasuke's question.

"Come, let's battle! I only have one month here!"

"You're a good soldier. So when you die next month, you'll have lived a good life!"

"…Wha? I'm not dying, you idiot! I'm just leaving!"

"But Uncle Samichifu-"

"…I'm a ninja, you dumb-beep-. Now let's battle! Two on two!"

"Sho hyou awe vwun uf doshe pfssies vat hangsh hout wif Koga, eh?" asked Surge, who then proceeded to spit out the marshmallows in his mouth. "Fine. But just remember how you let down Uncle-"

"Aaaand I don't care. Go, Ditto and Pikachu!"

"Raichu and Electrode!"

"HeY wHy DoN't YoU-"

"Shove it, Pokedex!" Sasuke threw the electronic device into an electrical field only to hear:

"Ahhhh, much better! Thanks for fixing me, dumb-beep-!"

"Curses!"

"Electrode! EXP-"

"Ditto, Transform! Copy the attack!"

"-LOSION!"

"OKAY! ONE ON ONE BATTLE…!" a charred Sasuke announced to an equally described Lt. Surge. "Chidori!"

So Pikachu used **THUNDERPUNCH** and dealt a serious blow to its evolved opponent.

"Quick! Electro-Static!"

Raichu balled its hand into a fist and started rubbing on Pikachu's head causing its hair to stand up.

"HAHAHA!" laughed Surge, mockingly.

"What? My Pikachu just got a noogie…"

"HA! It'll take days to comb that back to its previous position! HAHAHAHA-wha?"

Through Surge's speech, Pikachu had dealt the final blow, winning the battle.

"Fork over the badge, you freak," commanded Sasuke.

"No! You cheated!"

Sasuke started up Chidori. "Let's not be making such quick accusations… Give me the badge, see…"

"Oh, um, f-fine! But just remember how you let down Unc-"

"NO! GIVE ME THE BADGE!"

Surge gave Sasuke the badge and moped off, venting by punching someone from the questionable squad.

-OKAY, LET'S SKIP A FEW CHEAP JOKES AND GET TO SOME MORE IN LAVENDER TOWN…-

"DON'T TOUCH ME, OLD MAN!" yelled Sasuke to Mr. Fuji.

"I'm PoSsEsSeD!" responded Fuji.

"Go, Haunter! Sort this thing out!"

Haunter ignored Sasuke and possessed Fuji along with the other ghost, proceeding to make Fuji do the worm. Soon after, he yelled, "Ow, My BaCk!" in pain. Soon the possessing left the possessed. The original possessing Pokemon turned out to be the spirit of the Marowak. Its body was lying not far away. We can only hope that possession is not spread like AIDS, for we also don't want to think of kind old Fuji as one who has necrophilia. But it would explain a few things…

"Nice! Haunter, use Lick!"

Listening to Sasuke's command this time, Haunter shot out its tongue and gave Marowak a… heehee… TONGUE LASHING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-I'm done. Anyways, Sasuke quickly threw a Pokeball at the Marowak, only to get ripped off, very much like what happens in the game. Sasuke kept attempting to catch that bone-head, but to no avail. Then he yelled in frustration so loud that all the air he emitted sent the spirit flying back into its body. He threw one last ball and caught the Pokemon.

-LATER, CELADON CITY…-

Sasuke frowned. This gym was filled with girls and he had to be in it to get a badge. 'Now or never' thought Sasuke. He ran up to the door, tripped, got back up, and entered the gym.

"What are you doing here?" asked one of Erika's assistants.

"Coming to get a badge," responded Sasuke.

"I only fight and give badges to girls," said Erika herself.

"Wha-why? Are you a lesbian or something?" What he didn't voice was the question, "Where's Neji when you need him?"

"NO! I'm just shy and don't respond well to people of the opposite gender!"

"…Heh… You keep telling yourself that… now come on! Fight me!"

"NO! Girls, take him away!"

"I WILL NOT BE MOV-"

Sasuke was taken away, kicking and screaming.

-CELADON DEPARTMENT STORE…-

"GENIUS! I'll dress like a girl! Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!" Flawed plan #542! Good think it was a rip-off of another idea. Those always work!

As Sasuke let down his hair, thousands of fan girls had an aneurism, stroke, heart attack, or a mixture of all three at once. Sasuke disgustedly applied the proper makeup and headed back to the gym.

-THE GYM LOLZ BFF…-

"Well, hello there. What's your name?" asked Erika in a sweet voice.

"Sasuke…ena! Sasukena!" responded Sasuke.

"Why are you here?"

"To get a badge!"

"Well, okay, then."

"Just like that?"

"Yes! What did you think I was going to do?"

"Inquire about if he's really a girl, 'cause he's not!" announced the Pokedex.

"SHOVE IT!" Sasuke…ena's voice deepened to Sasuke's voice. He quickly changed back his pitch and added, "Silly, stupid, soon to be scrap metal –beep-ing Pokedex! You're not going to believe this piece of garbage, are you?"

"Of course not!" She walked up and threw the Pokedex at the wall. As she was standing next to him, he caught a whiff of her perfume. He realized that there were only three people who had that particular scent: Sakura, Itachi (LONG, LONG, LONG, sorta kinky story), and his could-have-been second cousin. You see, her dad (Sasuke's would-be uncle) married Sasuke's dad's BIG sister (no, not size, she was twelve years older than him) and they had one son. Unfortunately, Sasuke's aunt was killed by a very sharp object-thrown by Orochimaru-leaving Sasuke's could-have-been uncle and first cousin. Eventually, his cousin got married and the cousin's wife had Erika one day after Sasuke was born. He had met her at the family barbecue a few days after Itachi's massacre. Unfortunately, Sasuke's dad was in charge of getting the food, so it was more like an outing for five at Applebee's. Sasuke, unlike Neji, didn't have a romantic first impression of his distant relative; he found her dense and unobservant… like Naruto! But first impressions aren't always correct, and Sasuke found out that she wasn't dense (he didn't retract his other opinion). Sasuke would keep his cool and tell her after he won. She continued, "No boy has _ever_ dressed up as a girl to enter my gym!"

"…What about that Ash kid?" asked one girl.

"That was just a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl!"

"…Keep telling yourself that…"

"Let's make this a two on two fight!"

"Fine," said Sasuke, responding to Erika's challenge. "You're going down, cousin!"

"Cousin?"

"…You know, like 'cuz,' except I like speaking correctly… uh, heh heh…"

"…Oh. Go, Victreebell and Vileplume!"

"Go, Haunter and Ditto! Haunter, Shadow Ball!"

Haunter molded its ectoplasm into a ball and Sasuke bowled it toward Victreebell. Unfortunately, Victreebell dozed off and was lying down, making its leaf a sort of ramp, sending the ball flying right back at Haunter. Haunter was sent flying right into one of Erika's Pokeballs. It left the ball almost immediately, but it came out as a Gengar (since it was "traded"). Seeing his chance, Sasuke ordered Gengar to hit Victreebell with Vileplume. It did so, KO'ing Vileplume instantly, but only waking up Victreebell. Not a morning Pokemon, or a day, noon, afternoon, evening, nor night, Victreebell reared up and chomped down on Gengar, much like James' ex-Victreebell did to him. Ditto transformed into a Victreebell and chomped down on Victreebell in a futile attempt to hurt it; it only made matters worse for Gengar; it eventually popped into ectoplasm and went back into its Pokeball. Sasuke eventually produced a mini-magnifying glass. He leaned the hand holding the glass against his cheek and set it at an angle so it magnified the sunlight from the window and directed it at the real Victreebell. After a few minutes Victreebell caught fire. Ditto transformed back and jumped off of Victreebell. Because of its high flammability, Victreebell exploded into flames; the fire only stopped when there was nothing left to burn.

"She cheated!" accused one girl.

"No she didn't! That's an official Pokemon League cheating magnifying glass! Here, take the badge!" said Erika.

As soon as Sasuke got the badge, he revealed his true identity and said, "Hello, could-have-been second cousin! Remember me?"

"Like, omigosh! IS that you, Sasuke-kun! We like, totally have to go shopping together!"

BUM BUM BUM! You homeless jerk! Gimme back my dollar! …Oh. What will become of our Sasuke? Iunno…

To be continued in Chapter 3,

"… … …

Sasuke Might Dislike This Program

Part 2"


	3. Wanna be a Pokemon Master

Chapter 3

**Wanna be a Pokemon Master**

**(Or Whatever is Most Convenient)**

_And so Sasuke's story went on like the last four badges: stupid. Along the way, he met lots of people and crap. The end._

Professor Oak stood behind a podium with a Pokeball printed on it. HE cleared his throat and addressed the many trainers gathered in front of him. "Hello, many trainers gathered in front of me, I am now addressing you. Today is a monumental day. You have beaten/cheated against eight gym leaders, and are now about to battle each other to be the greatest. And… um…"

"Get on with it, dumb-beep-!" yelled a random trainer.

"…Okay, we will be having a preliminary round, where each trainer will participate in two matches. There will then be the semifinal and final rounds. In the preliminary round, each player can only use one Pokemon. After that, though, you can use six. You now need to register your Pokemon. You can register no more than six Pokemon, and you have to use the same one Pokemon through both matches of the prelims."

"Those rules are bull-beep-!" yelled the same guy.

"Boys," said Oak to some snipers, nodding to the guy. "Hm, that leaves an odd number of people…" The snipers, comprehending what he was saying, took out another random trainer. "Now, with the rules stated, let the tournament begin!"

The huge doors behind him opened and the trainers poured in. Oak then walked up to Ash, breathing hard. "Ash… I am… your father!"

"Nooooooooo!" screamed Ash.

-IN THE REGISTRATION OFFICE…-

Gaara walked up to Naruto. He asked him, "Fool, what Pokemon are you using?"

"I have a line-up so amazing, so powerful, that I will blaze through this tournament without challen-"

Gaara interrupted Naruto, saying, "…Six Magikarp?"

"Tch, what do you have? You are so lame, I bet you just have six Magikarp! Er… I mean five…"

-SOMEWHERE TO THE RIGHT…-

"…So what Pokemon does Gaara have?" Ino asked Sakura, her eyes diverted.

I a snide voice, Sakura responded, "Gaara is a Pokemon Master. By the way, when did you and that bum you call a friend weasel your way here?"

"Well, when most of the people ended up here, Shikamaru was sitting there, but he came eventually, Forehead."

"What Pokemon does he have, Pig?"

"Mostly Dark Pokemon, um…"

"…Loser?"

"Good one!"

"How dare you call me that!"

-WITH SASUKE AND NEJI…-

Sasuke and Neji were glaring at each other. Dramatic music started playing in the background. Then suddenly some different but equally dramatic music started playing from the opposite direction. The two themes kept trying to get louder than the other until one fizzled out. Neji sighed and stated, "One moment…"

Neji turned around and replaced the batteries in a boom box. The theme came back on and the standoff continued until a broadcast came out stating the first match up.

"It is now time for the first Pokemon battle on the Indigo Plateau. The first two Pokemon trainers to compete in the preliminary round are Aburame Shino and Collector Edwin."

Shino and that geek stood in the massive arena across from each other. Shino made some sort of expression… probably. He threw out Venomoth while Edwin sent out Lombre. Edwin yelled, "Razor Leaf!" He proceeded to pull out his inhaler to calm himself.

Venomoth dodged easily. Shino took his chance and wiped out Edwin with Psychic. His victory was soon announced. Because honestly, what better does the announcer have to do?

Next up were Sakura and Ino. Sakura threw out Latias while Ino threw out Misdreavus. Sakura smirked and said, "Hmph, a mixture of shadow and ghost users. It figures that _you'd_ have it."

"Psha, and it figures _you'd_ have a Pokemon with red on, with your temper," responded Ino.

"You're losing your touch, girl."

"Psha."

"Anyways, Latias, Fly!"

Latias flew into the air as Ino smirked. "It looks like _you_ have lost _your_ touch! Misdreavus, Shadow Ball!"

Misdreavus disappeared and reappeared on Latias' level. It shot out three Shadow Balls (Get your mind out of the gutter) and took down Latias. Ino asked smugly, "Huh, what do you have to say how, smart-beep-?"

"You are a failure and will die alone!" Sakura shot back. WEAK.

"Again I say it, you are losing your touch…"

"Psha."

Next were Gaara and some guy. The guy sent out a Muk while Gaara sent out Regirock. Gaara did not even give his opponent a chance, telling Regirock to squish Muk. This was easily carried out. Gaara started chuckling evilly as sand surrounded his opponent, unbeknownst to everyone. Gaara kept cackling (rather unrealistically at this point) and said, "Heh heh, you are always Muk'ing things up…"

He then slapped his knee and as his hand rose he closed it, crushing his opponent. Next up were Naruto and this dude named Jeff. Jeff sent out Kingler while Naruto sent out, of course, Magikarp. Jeff smirked. This will be easy. Kingler's mouth was foaming more than usual. Jeff sent Kingler right at Magikarp but it wouldn't budge. He poked at it with a stick, but it still would not move. He looked at it, and it turned out to be dead. Suddenly the cast of CSI came out and took the crab away. After a long episode not for the weak of stomach, they came back with the diagnoses. One of them stated, "It died of rabies."

"Wow, it took that long to find the cause?" asked Jeff.

"No, we knew it as we put it on the stretcher, but if we didn't have a nasty operation, how would we get our ratings?"

Anyways, it was then Neji versus Jefferson (some dude). Neji sent out his only Pokemon, Dodrio, while Jefferson (yes, sadly, that is how he always says his name) sent out Sandslash. Neji smirked, as this dude was now royally –beep-ed. The shrew slashed Dodrio, causing major damage.

"Sonuva-beep-!" Neji yelled. "Fly!"

"What are you smokin'? It's a flightLESS bird!" said Jefferson.

Neji explained by action. The two side heads arched in the shape of wings and the middle head pointed its beak straight up. The side heads nodded furiously and the bird shot into the air. When it was far up it flipped upside down. The heads stopped moving and the bird swooped down on Sandslash, KO'ing it instantly.

The next to competitors were Kiba and Random Joe. Yes, that is his name. As Neji walked out, he asked Kiba, "When did you get here?"

Kiba sighed and said, "I was right next to you when we came here. You just ignored me… You shouldn't, though, because I'm going to marry your cousin."

"Biotch, please, even I care enough about Hinata's personal life to know that you don't stand a chance. Just start looking in the personal ads for dog lovers." Neji walked off coldly as Kiba flicked him off. Random Joe sent out Mr. Mime against Kiba's Houndoom. Houndoom roasted the mime easily, clinching the victory for Kiba. But really, what did you expect? Who would let a mime win? The white basta-

The next battle was between Lee and Shikamaru. Lee screamed, "WOOHOO! THIS IS INTENSE! SO HIGH ENERGY, HUH!"

Shik sighed and leaned his head forward, saying, "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"Uh… Yeah, why?"

Shikamaru sighed again, waving his hand in dismissal. "Never mind…"

Lee made a weird face and threw out a Psyduck. Shik threw out a Sneasel. The stupid little duck was waddling around, oblivious to the outside world. Shik chuckled and got Sneasel to slash Psyduck. By some bull-beep- miracle (quoting Shikamaru), though, Psyduck got a headache and used Confusion, giving Sneasel an almost KO'ing blow. Luckily, though, it passed out a moment after Psyduck passed out from blood loss. Shik was declared the victor by a very thin margin.

The last people up in the first part of the prelims were Sasuke and Casey (the weird baseball fan). She stared at Sasuke mindlessly, drooling slightly, and asked, "D-do you like the Electabuzz's? Please say yes!"

Sasuke stared coldly and stated, "I would, if I wanted the terrorists to win."

"…You're saying that my favorite sports players are terrorists?"

Sasuke smirked, knowing he was confusing this kid. "Am I, Casey? Am I?"

She looked at him strangely and sent out Beedrill. Sasuke sent out Gengar. Gengar used its trademark Shadow Bowling Ball and easily took down the yellow jacket.

PKO: SAKU!

A picture of John Grisham appeared on a commercial as an announcer started speaking. "John Grisham, writer of multitudinous books featuring similar concepts finally decides to make a movie named after the concept itself: 'Action Lawyer.' Here is an excerpt."

Harrison Ford was with the defendant. The foreman announced the defendant guilty, much to his dismay. He yelled, "Bull crap! HE is obviously innocent!"

The judge slammed his gavel and yelled, "You are out of order!"

"No, you are, you Communist –beep-!" Harrison picked up the gavel and broke it over the judge's forehead. He then ran to the foreman and sucker-punched him. His cell rang and he held it to his ear. "CIA? Yes, I'm on my way."

The announcer came back on saying, "See 'Action Lawyer,' playing at courts everywhere."

PKO: SAKU!

Shino was up first again. His opponent was Bill the Pokemon enthusiast-er, Pokemaniac… whatever… Shino was going to question why an enthusiast-maniac-whatever was doing competing, but that would cramp his style. Bill sent out a Kabutops (vastly inferior to Sasuke's) while Shino (obviously) used Venomoth. Bill got Kabutops to slash at Venomoth's wings, but to no avail. Venomoth flew rather high and used Sleep Powder. After the powder fell, the Kabutops looked rather high as well, and soon passed out. Shino was about to finish off the living fossil but Bill ran out t into the arena and grabbed his Pokemon. He yelled, "No! Don't hurt my Pokemon! I forfeit!"

He started to cry. It would have been very dramatic if it wasn't for Naruto throwing his Sprite at Bill and yelling, "Boo! I want to see some blood!"

Suddenly three large men dressed in black suits, black shoes, and sunglasses walked up to Naruto, pulled out stun guns, and stunned him. The biggest of them said, "This is a children's show! There can be no mention or showing of real violence."

Sakura, seated next to Naruto, mentioned, "Well isn't stunning people an act of realistic violence?"

"Frfwondwy," mumbled Naruto, which roughly translated to "Profoundly."

The three men paused for a while, thinking. The biggest pulled out a phaser and pressed the button, attempting to erase the two's memory. Sakura made a weird look and asked, "Was that supposed to do something? Because, well, it didn't work."

They paused again and then ran. The next battle was between a random Pokemon Breeder named Jill and Gaara. He sent Regirock against Jill's (bleh) Luvdisc. Gaara had a similar reaction, saying, well, "Bleh." The dislike carried on to Regirock, who carried out what Gaara was thinking (no, not the thought about how Naruto had ketchup on his chin…) and squished both Luvdisc and Jill. Gaara stared on coldly… and told Naruto about his chin.

Next up were Naruto and Ino. Just as they were entering the arena, Oak's voice came out from the speakers placed advantageously to broadcast messages throughout the stadium, and to deafen the bums who took the cheap seats at the top near the speakers. He announced, "Due to some numerical miscalculations by a few former employees, two people who have already won in the second preliminary round will have to participate in a four trainer versus four trainer battle with each trainer using three Pokemon. Also, to clarify, in this final climactic battle thingy, there will be a new field. Oh, and to the bargain seat people, BUY MORE EXPENSIVE SEATS!" The next day forty deaf people sued the Professor.

Soon Shikamaru, Ino, Neji, and Kiba were lined up opposite Sasuke, Naruto, Shino, and Gaara. The arena opened up and a rocky area filled the space. Shikamaru sent out Sneasel, Ino sent out Misdreavus, Neji sent out Dodrio, and Kiba sent out Houndoom. On the opposite side, Sasuke sent out Gengar, Naruto sent out Magikarp, Shino sent out Venomoth, and Gaara sent out Regirock.

Right off the bat, Neji sent Dodrio right at Naruto's Magikarp. All three of its beaks slammed through the fish, killing it instantly. But he bird swayed fell down, unconscious. Some doctors ran out and Neji ran up to them. He asked, "Will my Pokemon make it, nurse?"

Nurse Joy leaned toward him, whispering, "I'm not actually a nurse. I was just trained to put critters on beds and press buttons. I've seen worse cases, though. I think the Magikarp was swimming in a pool with a rusty pipe in it. Your critter just bit it and got poisoned." Neji walked off with them, his "critter" in a stretcher. Oak came on the stereos saying, "Neji has been eliminated! Three more trainers to go on one side! SUE ME, CHEAPSKATE SEAT BUYERS!"

Meanwhile, Regirock had picked up a boulder and was about tot throw it at Misdreavus when Misdreavus used its powers to stop it in its tracks. It then sent the giant Pokemon flying back into the stands, squishing multiple people. Gaara recalled the giant and sent out Latios.

Kiba and Shino were fighting fiercely (well, Shino _seemed_ to be paying attention, but you never can tell with that boy). Houndoom was blowing out flames with Flamethrower while Venomoth flew around, dodging. The duel went stale, though, when Venomoth strayed too close to Ino's noticeably longer ponytail. It started to burn up due to Flamethrower. She cut off her ponytail right before it caught the rest of her hair on fire. Ino tried to keep her temper, telling herself that she looked good with short hair, but still ended up yelling at Kiba and Shino. Well really just Kiba, because yelling at Shino is like yelling at a wall, and that gets boring. Trust me, I know. Gaara took advantage of her distraction and told Latios to continuously use Fly on Misdreavus. He easily took the ghost down.

Ino started yelling at Gaara, but he simply dismissed it by saying, "Talk to the hand" and forming a giant hand out of sand in front of him. Ino smirked and sent her spirit into Gaara's body. She made him continuously run into the giant hand. Shukaku started talking to her, though, and its screechy, annoying voice caused the spirit to rush back into its host body. Shukaku started sobbing and asked Gaara, "Why does everyone think my voice is so annoying!"

Gaara responded, "Because… it… is?"

Sasuke and Shikamaru were fighting fiercely… kind of… okay, not really. But they were fighting. Sneasel hacked wildly with its claws while Gengar shot Shadow Balls at it, making them look VERY "mentally challenged." Eventually Sneasel was taken down, though, removing Shik from the competition, but of course he didn't care… on the outside. On the inside, he was fighting with thousands of hidden emotions, crushing him-so much so that… I obviously made it up.

Meanwhile, Ino had sent out her own Gengar, proceeding to command its use of Shadow Ball. Its type gave it a natural advantage and Latios was easily taken down. Gaara then sent out his semi-revealed-I mean SECRET-weapon: Mewtwo. Gaara shot a malicious smirk at Mewtwo, and the Pokemon nodded, understanding the order. Mewtwo raised its hand, causing the ground to shake. An earthquake started and all Pokemon, even those in their balls (this joke will go on and on…) were instantly KO'd. Oak came on, stating, "Well… considering everyone but Gaara has lost, he is not only a Pokemon Master, but also a Pokemon Champion!"

Everyone cheered but Gaara who, with Mewtwo, beat up Oak and took the trophy. The last thing all the ninjas-and Mewtwo-heard was Oak whining, "Oh, my lumbago!" before they were sent back to Konoha.

THE END… FOR NOW

For FAR future reference, it is best to stop here and read to Chapter 19 of my other story before reading on. These stories can be read independent of each other, but I might accidentally mix my thoughts and mention something in that story in this story. So again, they are independent, but are good together. Like mayonnaise and… anything!


End file.
